When we were young

It’s funny,

All throughout school we hoped to one day reach the milestone of walking out of the gates for the last time.

Now that we have, all we want to do is walk back in.

Why is it that we all want things so bad in life, yet once we reach them we don’t want them anymore?

It’s like the human race are always wanting what they cant have.

Think about it.

When we were little, we’d ask for prams, baby dolls, mini ovens and even fake money sets for Christmas, birthdays and every single time mum went shopping. Yet now we are older, all we want is to crawl back into our single beds with our fluffy toys, lunch boxes and the luxury of following our mothers everywhere.

It’s true, growing up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Majority of the time, we get hurt, betrayed, yelled at, lectured and are forced to make hundreds of decisions that will evidently mould our future. But hey, no pressure.

Maybe it’s a case of ignorance is bliss. When we’re young and look at growing up, all we see is writing pretty signatures on millions of pink bank forms, playing with money and buying lots of food whilst getting to speed around with a trolley. We don’t see that it is a constant challenge to stay ourselves throughout all the bullshit that is thrown our way. We don’t see the hard work that school throws at us, nor do we see the rise and fall of our most treasured friendships.

When we’re older, we realise we have to work hard for money to be able to use those pink bank forms, we have to work for the money to buy the food we push around in the heavy trolley, avoid the senior citizens who seem to have lost their way in the supermarket AND we are rather wasting money than sitting around playing with it.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in very high spirits to not return to the days of unflattering uniforms, bitchy classmates and demeaning teachers. But somewhere along the way, time flew to fast.

I’ve spent so much time worrying about all the little issues of high school, that I forgot to stop and enjoy the fact I didn’t have adult responsibilities…

Perhaps Adam Duritz was right when he sang, ‘you don’t know you got, till it’s gone.’

Loss.

All of us lose people throughout a lifetime, some to death, some to other people and some due to internal issues.

Sometimes it's surprising, shocking, heartbreaking. Other times we know it's for the best.

 Regardless of how it feels, we all feel the empty space in our hearts were they used to fit perfectly.

Some people only experience this feeling for a short while, whilst others can feel it forever.

After careful consideration, observation and familiarity with this feeling, i began to question,
Is it the actual person that we miss, or what that person represents?

There are those people that we come across, who fill a space that we become acustomed too.
Those people, who we know are always reliable, who give off a sence of comfort even when we aren't physically with them.

So when they leave for whatever reason, we're left feeling lost, unsure and most all, alone.

We are giving a specific amount of time to forget these people and move on, but what happens when we can't?

How do we go from having a second self, to being all alone?

No matter if we're by other friends, or even a crowd of thousands, we still feel lonesome.

But, if we really sat down and thought about everything thing we've gone through, is it still the individual we miss? or the feeling of comfort and familiarity? Is it only because we have grown accustomed to knowing somebody is always by our side, that is what we actually long for?

I'm sure for some people it might be the actual human being, but me, and I'm assuming a lot of others, it's knowing somebody is emotionally holding our hand throughout everything.

So maybe it's time to for courage, to brave the storm on our own for once. Maybe it's time, to stop relying on everybody else..

and start relying on ourselves.

how hard are we meant to fight?

Why do we fight for those that would not do the same in return for us?

Everyday i wonder if i could have done anything differently,

I wonder if there was anything i could have done to prevent this.

Somebody once told me to have no regrets, but if we have no regrets,

we never learn anything.

I don't know where to head from here,

I don't know how we will cope like this.

It's been forever since we've been happy.

I used to sit pondering, tourturing myself if i should have fought harder.

Then i realised something.

The problem was not how hard i fought, it was why i had to fight.

Sometimes, when we truly see things from all perspectives we learn that some things in life,

just aren't worth fighting for.

Words you'll never say.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the way i treat you,

and the way i hurt you.
I'm sorry how i change,
and the way i make you feel like you're not good enough.
I'm sorry i expect you to love me,
no matter what i do,
I'm sorry for my double standards,
and I'm sorry for how i come back into your life when i want something.
I'm sorry I never make an effort,
and I'm sorry i never let you, let me go.
...
Personally..I'm sorry you will never say any of this, to me.

Reminders.

I never thought I'd have to do this,

Nor did i ever think it would ever come to this.

Everybody says it takes time to let go of somebody, but sooner or later they give up on you when you've reached a length they no longer feel is acceptable.

Nobody can understand somebody elses pain fully unless going through it themselves.

It's not as simple as no communication.

Every where you turn, everything you do, reminds you.

You are constantly reminded of them, all the time.

The songs you liked, the trips you took, the jokeS you had.

Sometimes it's not as easy as putting them out of your mind.

If you've ever truly loved somebody, friendship or relationship,

you would understand that it's not just letting them go...

it's letting a part of you go too.

Sorry's just a word.

Theres no meaning behind the word sorry these days, just like i love you.

An average person lies five times a day; majority of the time surrounding these two phrases.

So why do we say things we don't mean?

If it's to make others feel good about themselves, in the long run, the lie hurts more than the truth ever will.

Perhaps it's time everybody learnt that.
You say sorry, but do you really mean it?

Everybody craves forgiveness, but half the time aren't willing to make the effort to achieve it.

In the end, sorry is just a word. If there is no action behind it, there's no meaning.

Saying sorry is easy; meaning it or making up for what you did is harder.

So my advice for you; before you say sorry or i love you, think about it. think about what it means, not only to you, but to the person you're saying it too...

If you don't mean it, don't say it.

Have you looked at yourself today?

Whoever said alls fair in love and war, obviously didn't know very much at all.

It's very easy to say, but when it comes down to it, everybody has double standards.

So, perhaps the quote should have been "Whatever I do in love and war is fair."

Personally, I've never been that narrow minded.

When did it become acceptable to dictate what others can say? Yet most of us never look at ourselves.

Half the time we're doing exactly what we're complaining about.

freedom of speech is a god given right, so why is constantly ripped from under us?

Of course, I'm never the one who is able to have to double standards.

I'm continously the one who is being critcised and told what not to do, and frankly I've had enough.

So, my message for the day is; look at your self, for once.

Nobodies perfect, so that probably means you aren't either.